Santa Claus exists-and he's a complete tool. Twelve-year-old Adam Spellman, a snack-deprived and morose boy who lives in the strangely Christmas-centric town of Smithdam, decides to steal the cookies and milk his family has left out for Santa on Christmas Eve. Santa is displeased to find his expected snack missing. After machine gunning the Spellman family's Christmas tree and attempting to kill Adam with a sword, Santa stuffs Adam's three sisters into his big red sack and blasts off in a rocket sleigh. Thus begins Adam's quest to rescue his sisters. Along the way, he'll meet a pair of thieving, sadistic elves, befriend a goat who has recently acquired the ability to talk (as well as other human traits: greed, fear, and snobbery), watch with delight as a policeman shoots Santa with a taser pistol, engage in several fights in a rocket sleigh, use the rocket sleigh's attached missiles to blow up the Christmas presents of an obnoxious, rich classmate, discuss the nature of goodness and badness with his grandpa, who is using a dilapidated old folks' home as a base of operations for his armed revolt against the ruling Santa-friendly government, and speed across the Arctic plain in a stolen red sports car. Assorted morons, politicians, soldiers, and revolutionaries show up to either help or hinder young Adam, mostly hinder.