WHAT NOT TO DO WHEN VENTURING TO THE POLES (especially when you're the first British woman to try it) * Decide to take up the challange in a haze of alchohol one New Year's Eve * Crash the BBC global email system with your fundraising requests * Do no training whatsoever prior to departure, except the odd aerobics class * Pack 300 Malboro Lights into your sled * Fail to put on the requisite 3 stone to help stave off cold and hunger * Forget to buy any gloves so stop off at Snow and Rock on High St Ken for a pair on the way to the airport * Ignore finger going black with frostbite to avoid making a fuss * Get so drunk in the plane to the North Pole that Canada refuses you entry as an undesirable alien * Forget to eat or sleep for three days before setting off Catharine Hartley did all these things and still made it to both poles. TO THE POLES WITHOUT A BEARD tells her hilarious and incredible story.